How can I ease the pain???????

hey y'all...............listen to this, while reading if you wanna feel me right now..........vibe wit ya boi and feel my mood.......................by now, pretty much all of y'all know I lost my mother January 17th, of this year.......However, what y'all dont know, is how close me and mother was ( I think that's grammatically correct, but fuck it, who cares.....)....me and my mom were EXTREMELY close!.....No Oedipus Complex type shit, but y'all get my drift...I've given y'all a brief introduction of her, in Crumbs to Bricks I , now, y'all gon feel me........my Moms was my everything!!!! My mutha fuckin everythang, ya hear me.....I always used to tell her as a child, "ma, I don't know what I'd do if sum'in ever happened happed to you....I think I'd commit suicide if you died before me......" Nah, it ain't got that bad.....before ya even think that way....but my emotions are fuckin with me like a mu' fucka y'all........damn......this shit hurts like hell!!!!!! somedays, I'm good...like I can conquer the world.....then others.........fuck the world....and everything that's in it........my mama's gon dammitt!!!!!!! Out of every mama in the world, why mine????? why mine dammitt.....................but then I get a grip........that day, January 17th could have been any day...from 1950, til that day.......my Mom had asthma since she was two years old.....could have been prevented, had she had proper medical care, or better yet, a father, unlike any other fathers, one I've yet to mention, but will be reserved for a spot later, my grandfather!!!!!!.............Fred McKay...later to become the Rev.....My grandfather didn't give a shit about NOBODY......would just as well shoot you than talk to you....was meaner than a mu'fucka....but would kill for his chi'ren...all 13 of 'em.....but not to deviate, my Mom was in the hospital when she was two years old, sck from asthma...and she hated needles...always!!! ever since I've known her to be Mom, she's hated needles..well, when she was 2, yeah, 2!!!! she said, "papa (my grandfather), take me home, I don't wanna be stuck no more...." Papa wrapped my mom up in a blanket and hauled ass!!!!! took my mom home from the hospital and she suffered from asthma ever since............but my mom was a trooper.....a real trooper!!! this lady would go to work when she could barely breathe......would work 2, sometimes 3 jobs if need be....and she loved her boys.....me and my brother, CM....another character!!!.....my mama was the true essence of B.A.B.Y....M.A.-M.A......as depicted in Fantasia's song of the same name.....but she was a SAINT...a lot of folks can say they know sum'in taboo about their parents, whether it be knowing they've done drugs, sum'in illegal, or whatever, alotta folks got dirt on their parents....not me!!!! NADA....not a damn thang!!! I don't know of shit illegal, or immoral that my mother ever did.....she never had a ticket a day in her life....NEVER!!!!! but she was down for her boys......who wuddn't no saints......not her baby-boy!!!! hell nah!!!! not this nigga.....but she ain't never turned her back on me......NEVER.....if she didn't have it, she got it!!!!........................................................lawd, this shit killin me...............but..............I returned the favor....other than the brief time I was married, she was always the number 1 lady in my life.....upon graduating from college, I coulda went anywhere I wanted, but I went home.........home to help my mom!!! who needed me at the time......it was tough....real tough...........at first........then...Crumb to Bricks III, which I've yet to pen, occurred........it was smooth sailing after that, but that's still in production....it's comin'... in fact, alotta shit comin.....shit I've started on, but yet to publish, hell, I've got one I started on on her birthday, that hasn't been published..........................just gotta feel it...and right now I'm feelin it..........y'all, now that my mama's gone.................I'on know..............I know if you thought my shit was raw initially, it's was gone get even grittier, cause I ain't holdin shit back.......shiiiiid, my mama gone, she ain't gon read it.......she knew her child!!!!! she knew I've had some fucked up feelings about alotta shit for a long time, and I've discovered a therapy in writing, and so it is, I'll write........and tell it like it is.........ya know, death is a truth serum..............you find out how folks truly felt about the deceased........and how the deceased felt about you!!!!!!!! y'all, that was the longest trip to Panama City I've ever driven in my life!!!!!!!! How do you drive, ALONE ..knowing you goin home to bury yo mama??????........how!!!!! hard as fuck........that's how.....I don't know if my eyes were more blurred from crying, or the mary jane (I HAD TO BE FUCKED UP TO TAKE THAT DRIVE!!!!!!), I even turned on my windshield wipers a few times thinking it was the weather outside fuckin with my vision.......I was a mess.....a fucking mess, ya hear me.......every time I stopped, folks would look at me, and could see the pain in my presence.....but I made it......
As soon as I got home I immediately went to the funeral home.......one of my cuzin's (more characters yet to be mentioned, but will be later) drove me.....my mu'fuckin knees were shakin, I was hyper ventilatin, bout to fuckin pass out......a day that had awaken me in tears in sleepless nights past, had come to reality ...................damn.............my mama was dead.......I Looked like the scarecrow from "The Wiz" walkin into the funeral home.............then I saw her.............when I say she looked like she was asleep, she really did.........it was instantly, so she didn't suffer, nor was she in a state od physical decline...she looked beatiful...........and I didn't shed another tear!!!!!!!!!! not that weekend anyway...........if I did, nobody saw me......surely not at the funeral.....I was good...I failed to mention, while driving that horrid trip home, I could her voice telling me, "baby, I'm alright" .as clear as day......coulda been the weed, I'on know......nonetheless, it allowed me moments of peace....to relish the fact that she was OK.....and after seeing her, the thought was confirmed....me and moms had that connection like that......she knew when her baby was going through it.....whether I had to tell her or not...she knew her child.....my family didn't know how I would react; they knew I was her heart!!!! and she mine.......but when they saw how I handled myself, they were cool.....yet they knew I was empty inside....merely puttin my best face forward.......the position had been designated to me a long time ago......the family's backbone...and when to best display that distinctful honor, than at none other than my own mother's funeral....and if you know black funerals, you know that's when we're at our best, when we've got our biggest stage, when we see folks we ain't seen since...........since.....................that long.............and it's always that one family member who likes to be the "showman," or "showwomen" in this sense..................My mama's sisters!!!!! them McKay girls, as they're known in and around Bay County.....there were 7 of 'em at their height!!!! And they're all jazzy in their own right.........but I had to check 'em......but with a smile......I had to check a lot of things that weekend........my own self, not excluding......I had to do some diggin.....some deep down soul searchin, for that strength that my mama told me about....that strength that I would need at this time.........and I succeeded...I was able to hold my tongue, and stand tall as mom's would have wanted..............................

But that was that weekend............the clock now reads 3:02 am......right now, Friday morning, Feb 17, one month to the day that Mom died.......and I'm going back to Panama City later this morning for the first time since that weekend..........to disperse that truth serum that death brings about.......it ain't gon be pretty!! which is why I'm up so late, and compelled to jot down my thoughts, exactly as they come.....no ryhme or reason, just how the fuck I feel........real, and raw.......feelin like 'Pac, "this be the realest shit I ever [wrote]"....gon be some hurt feelins before the weekend is over........so I'm just peepin y'all beforehand........startin with that nigga known as my pops!!!!!!!! I peeped y'all to him in Crumbs to Bricks II ......but that was all I did.....gave you a peep.....my mama gon now........I'mma give it to ya raw........fuck that nigga! yeah.....I said it.......not gon go in depth on that nigga right now, but come back, you'll see.........in death there is life...new life, new beginnings, new truths.....new revelations.......and the truth ain't always pretty.......the whole weekend, this cat felt it was ALL about him.......how his family, granted 7 of his siblings and their families, came from across the country to attend, had come to honor him.......honor you?????? mu'fucka, they came because they loved my mom.....they'll tell you, they loved my mom more than they loved yo mu'fuckin ass..........you get sympathy by proxy.......when y'all were divorced for damn near 10 years prior to remarrying 3 years ago, they didn't fuck wit yo ass, but when my mom took yo ass back in, yes, BACK in, they came around........you always stood on my mama's shoulders to stick yo own mu'fuckin chest out.........yeah nigga, I know the whole story...from the rooter to the tooter!!!!......fuck you! Granted, I give you props though.......you did yo thizzle pimpin.......you had my mama head fucked since she met you....she always felt sorry for yo ass and allowed you to spit some sob story and give you new life.......she gave you a chance in 1969, but you couldn't act right, you were too busy chasin yo yella trick who didn't want shit to do wit yo ass, but you was pussy whipped cause she a baby from you...my step sister........my mama bounced on yo ass, moved back home to Panama City, had my brother in 1970, moved on, met my father and had me in 1971......his teaching career took him away......but my mama held it up.........while you were still chasin yo fuckin tail.....she bought her a crib, new ride, and took care of her boys!!!!!!! solo!!!... ....then, outta fuckin nowhere, 1974, here yo ass come...........death told me you were on yo mu'fuckin dick at the time......not a pot to piss in, nor a window to throw it out of.....couldn't find no other chics to take yo bullshit, so who do you call......my mama!!! and what does she do.......take yo ass back! Not only does she take yo ass back, but she leaves EVERYTHING!!!!!! her home and the whole nine...followin yo punk ass! And then we didn't move up....we went from first class to not even coach.....my mama had to hold yo as down!.......y'all finally bought a home on my 7th birthday...sept 10, 1977........and life was hell from then on....always had been...but I have poignant memories from that point on......that was my home....where I grew up....stolen from the paradise of family and tradition of Panama City, and forced to "live" in Sarasota........you even tried to have your daughter live with us, and force your shit on her......but she got hipped quick.....she dipped after six months, never to live with you again, didn't know the asshole that you really were......and mom always said you cared for our sister more than you cared for me and CM.....the ones who were forced to live with you....a childhod frought with fear, intimidation, and emptiness.......the preferential treatment started to become obvious when once our sister came to live with us, we started getting allowances!!! allowances? black folks? my friends thought I was trippin when I told them I was gettin allowances, that was "white folks shit'.............then, we started gettin top of the line shit, and I'm like damn, where did all this come from? we weren't ballin when it was 2 kids, now we got 3, it's like we're living a fantasy life......but you're still a fuckin prick! after our sister left, shit returned to normal....somehow, it was my mom's fault YOUR daughter didn't want to live with YOU!.....go figure...yet, she was just as close to my mom as she was to her own....but it was my mom's fault......ok...........my brother, your other biological child, graduates from high school on a thursday night, and leaves home forever, saturday!!!! Again, that's my mom's fault????? she turned both of YOUR children against you????........ok.............I'm not your biological child, but I stuck wit yo ass...........after you and mom's divorced, I came to see your ass wherever you went...attended your fuckin 2nd wedding!!!! and before that......I was the one who got your business off....I took the state exam for YOUR company's license.....your company, my license.........even kept the licenses current while in college........took 8, 9 hour drives just to attend CE classes.....for yo mu'fuckin ass.............and did I ever reap any benefits from it? 'cepting the few crumbs you threw at me while in college, hell no, I ain't get shit from YOUR business.....when your 2nd wife divorced yo ass I even came to visit you at the new chic's house.......always called, and made sure I acknowledged you on the appropriate occasions............then.........when yo ass had dug a hole with the last chic, and you damn near on yo death bed, and not a pot to piss in, after constant begging what did yo do?????? showed the fuck up back in my mama's life........AGAIN, she had moved back to paradise, bought her another home, and went on with her life....you came with the clothes on your back and a few flea market reject items.......while my mama was ballin again............and what do you do........revert back to some of your fucked up ways.........do you know how many times I had to pursuade my mama NOT to kick yo ass out???? did you know a week before she died, she said yo ass had to go by the end of January? the only reason you weren't already gone is because she didn't want to mess up her holidays??????..........surely you knew.......but the thing that got me, is what YOU told me the weekend of mom's funeral.......you know, usually you wait til you're dead to say "fuck you" but you essentially told me and CM, your own child mind you, FUCK YOU, while you're still living......they say some things are better left unsaid, and you should take 'em to the grave with you, which you should have done......but how you gone fix yo mouth to tell me and CM, on the day we're going to settle all of my mama's accounts, that.............Our house in Sarasota, now that my mama, gone, is bequethed to our sister????? Nigga what!!!!!!! You tellin me, the house that I grew up in, where I was forced to live under your tyranny and torture, where I bled, sweat, and cried, ain't me and my brothers', but YOUR daughters'.......ok..........that......you coulda kept to ya self....waited til you died for me and CM to find out that you fucked us, and let us piss on your grave then, but naw, you tellin us FUCK YOU, now, and that whatever you accomplished and accumulated in your pitiful life is slated to go to YOUR Daughter........ok.........FUCK ME, nah nigga, FUCK YOU.............PAY ME!!!!! cause from this point forward, the house you living in, and the grass it's sittin on, is MINE!!!!! and from this day on, you're a mu'fuckin tenant...........FUCK YOU.....PAY ME! and if you don't like the terms that I set forth, .....FUCK YOU..........PAY ME!.....or you can get the fuck out, and go stay wit' Yo DAUGHTER.............


that's the conversation that's gon happen sometime this weekend............bout to leave soon, but y'all know how we do when folks die..........we waitin on our check(s)!!!!!! damn right, I'm waintin on the mailman...yep, one of the insurance companies said, the check is in the mail...........fuck that.....GOD, you gotta bless me.............YOU TOOK MY MAMA!!!!!!! .....that's the closest to your love I'll ever exeperience.......so, you gotta bless me!.......


this shit hurts, ya'll....................hurts bad.